It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
