Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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