I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
