No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
