seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
