If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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