Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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