someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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