My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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