Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
