Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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