I cannot find my penis.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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