I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
