I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
