Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
