I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
