youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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