So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
