Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
