Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
