I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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