You smell like stripper and shame
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
