I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
