so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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