well I can't set my house on fire every night
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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