He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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