I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
