I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
