I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
