Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
