I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
