farters have to be the big spoon...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
