and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I need a beard to bite.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
