Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
