Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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