my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
