yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
