I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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