I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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