She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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