take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
