Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
