You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
