I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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