Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
