My hand turned me down
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
