Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
