Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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