We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I wish you could order shots online.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
