That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
