Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Sorry about my life...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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